There’s an old saying: Children are like farts—you only enjoy your own. I happen to disagree, partly because I don’t have any children of my own, but mostly because it’s great fun being a guncle (gay uncle).
One time, when my nephew Sam was three and it was time for bed, he begged his mother, “Can I paint my toenails like Uncle Nonnie?” My exasperated sister-in-law heaved a weary sigh and said, “Yes, but it takes special paint that we’ll have to get at the drugstore tomorrow.” The following evening, my brother returned home from a long day of doing whatever it is that cardiologists do, to find my nephew standing on a stool in the kitchen, maniacally thrashing a cocktail shaker up and down. Pointing at his orange, green and brown pedicure, he said, “Look, Daddy! My toenails are painted just like Uncle Nonnie’s, and he taught me how to make martinis!” (For the record: my toenails were a professionally applied Corvette blue.)
I’m sure my brother and sister-in-law have never had second thoughts about naming me Sam’s godfather.
Here are ten more reasons why it’s good to be a guncle:
1. Other people’s babies make unique and highly decorative accessories.
2. You get to dress them up in awesome outfits.
3. You can get ’em all hopped up on sugar and then hand them back to their parents.
4. They make you things using Elmer’s Glue.
5. They call you up to light a candle at their Bat Mitzvah’s (and what gay doesn’t LOVE a candle?)
6. At a certain age, they start helping you make fun of their parents.
7. Once they’re legal, they’re some of the few adults who will encourage you to chug sake.
8. They believe pretty much anything you say.
9. And sometimes, when you give them something cool like shark slippers to wear whilst brandishing a light saber…
10. …their Moms will buy you a pair of velvet opera pumps embroidered with martini glasses.
So there you have it: all the joy and none of the responsibility. Take that, fairy godmothers!
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